5 Hit Songs That Make My Ears Bleed

In general, I love music, and I’m pretty tolerant of it. The judgements I make are usually based solely on the song in question and in it’s own context. I’m not one hate a specific artist or band. (Justin Beiber haters, don’t even try, there’s no army more powerful than sexually charged teenage girls.)

BUT THEN THERE ARE THOSE SONGS THAT FOR WHATEVER REASON COMPEL YOU TO EXPRESS YOUR DISAPPROVAL IN ALL CAPS.

Maybe you didn’t mind it the first time. But that’s the thing about “hit songs.” They’re played again. And again. And again. And just when you think you’ve escaped, you hear the telltale first notes of that catchy-in-the-wrong-way song in an antique carpet shop on the outskirts of a ghost town in Bolivia. They find you, no matter where you hide.

So here are a list of several songs that are extremely disappointing for my eardrums.

Will.I.Am ft. Britney Spears – Scream and Shout

I feel like this song didn’t try hard at all. It’s like the song itself is saying “Yeah, I suck, so? It doesn’t even matter, I’m still going to get played. All. The. Time.” It even literally is referred to as “shit” in the first line. Seriously? Seriously? I want to smack this song. You want to “scream and shout and let it all out”? Because the way in which you so monotonously say so makes me think you would rather have each of your hairs slowly plucked out by tiny gremlins, Sir William.

NE-YO – Let me Love You

Ne-yo wants to love me. Until I learn to love myself. After that, I guess I can just fuck off. And why shouldn’t I take this song so literally? It’s not like it has any artistic, discussable, content. Don’t get me wrong, I can love a song with no message behind it with the best of them. But this one just pisses me off. Maybe it’s because I feel as if Ne-Yo just decided that all girls are helplessly in need of good examples of love and he is able to deliver it, and isn’t this song just so convincing of that fact? Also, pop songs in general have got me confused as to whether “love you” means “cherish and support you”, or “bang you”, so the integrity of the word is kind of lost. After all, this is a world in which “fucking” can be bleeped out and replaced with “loving” (Enrique, I’m looking at you.)

Rihanna – California King Bed

Sorry I’m not sorry, but this song has #firstworldproblems written all over it. Essentially, Rihanna is explaining to you that things are just really tough for her right now because her bed is too big. Enough said.

Pitbull – Back in Time

I used to kind of like this song. And then it became my ipod’s favourite song. I swear to you, out of the hundreds of songs I have on that thing, should I choose “shuffle”, “Back in Time” is guaranteed to come on within two minutes. Also because I never have a clue what Pitbull is saying, I’m completely confused as to what the point of the song is. I think that the main theme is that “to understand the future, you have to go back in time,” but he doesn’t really have any evidence to support this and just talks about how he’s super fly for the rest of the song and then throws in some reference to Ray Charles being blind. How rude.

Maroon 5-She Will Be Loved

“WHAT?” Hear me out. I too used to like this song, until I moved in with my Korean roommates with whom I thankfully no longer live. They had absolutely no grasp on the English language, except when discussing how much I owed them for rent, or when making love. Because for whatever reason, they would SING THIS SONG while doing the nasty. I’m serious. It was also their alarm, so every night I went to sleep to the sound of “she weeeeeeelllllllll be loved,” and woke to “beauty queen of only eighteen,” etc.

As much as I throughly enjoy hating on these songs, I value them for helping me appreciate all the amazing songs in the world. For songs I am actually loving, check out the Song of The Week.

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