“Hey grandkids, See that up on the wall? That’s the tin foil from the Cadbury Crème egg I hunted back in Easter of ’97. A whopping 8 inches in diameter that beauty was. Sure don’t make ’em like they used to…”
Oh, I’ll be speaking of my egg-hunting glory days to my future grandchildren for sure.
Ah yes, as a timid vegetarian and disgrace to my cavemen ancestors, Easter eggs are the only thing I’ve ever hunted for. But what a hunter I was. Thanks to our twisted western society, as a child I understood Easter only as a second, more competitive Halloween, and these annual candy pilgrimages were treated with all the competitiveness of an Olympic sport.
Though I have since retired from my hunting days along with the discovery of post-Easter discounted chocolate, I still have enough knowledge of hunting strategy gleaned from my years in the battlefield, of which I will impart upon you, young grasshopper, in the following paragraphs.
Tip #1: Know the hider/sEvery hider has a distinct style. When my dad was designated hider, he favored reverse-psychology spots that we typically wouldn’t think to look because they were too obvious. Think more, sitting on a corner of the dining table than hidden in the teapot. Mom? The egg on the windowsill was her signature move, and there was always guaranteed to be one or two in the dollhouse or propped up in a stuffed animal’s arms, for the sake of cuteness.
Tip #2: Do as much pre-hunting as possible
It’s not technically cheating if you just so happen to spot some shiny egg wrapping out of the corner of your eye while taking your average daily tour of every room in the house. So before you get whisked off to church or swept into the car to brunch, make mental note of where you accidentally saw the goods. Make sure you also use any pre-hunt time to strategize your egg-hunting itinerary and plan a route through the hunting grounds. Meditate, perhaps, to clear your mind of any thoughts other than the mission you are about to embark on.
Tip #3: Stay focused
Once the hunt has started, it is essential to keep your mind on the task at hand. It’s all fine and good to thank Jesus and celebrate his birth for the rest of the day, but get distracted during the hunt and before you know it, Billy’s running by with SIX Cadburys in his basket and you’ve only got 2 of the wimpy no name branders. Uncle trolling around in a creepy bunny suit? Ignore it. Grandma wants to help? She’ll slow you down. Mom accidently set the house on fire trying to recreate The Last Supper? Focus. On. Those. Eggs.
Tip #4: Use sympathy to your advantage
This works especially well if you have older siblings or fellow hunters, and are good at being cute. When done right, the slow start strategy can be very beneficial to a successful hunt. ONLY EMPLOY THIS METHOD IF YOU HAVE A SYMPATHETIC, EASILY FOILED HIDER. When the hunt commences, hang back and look like you’re desperately hunting, without actually taking any eggs. Hopefully, once mom notices your older brother stealing the show she’ll be sympathetic and start helping you out with clues. Once you’ve found a significant amount in this manner, quickly go and collect all the other eggs you’ve secretly already found and make an epic comeback.
Tip #5: Enjoy the post-hunt
After all, is The Easter Egg Hunt ever over? That’s the beauty of it. All the forgotten eggs that were hid a little too well sit in their ridiculously impossible hiding places for days, weeks, months, or even years, until finally found. And, man, let me tell you, the greatest egg find is the one you find wedged between the Christmas mugs at the back of the cupboard eight months later, in December. Never question the staleness of the egg. Simply brush off the dust, crack off the wrapper and enjoy this vaguely chocolate tasting reminder of the day you owned Billy at egg-hunting.