I kept things pretty chill for Kindergarten, but by the time grade 1 struck, I was madly in love.
His name was George (no it wasn’t, but the first rule of elementary school crushes is to go to the grave without giving them away, so all names have been slightly changed.) Looking back, he was nothing special, and yet, he was the first.
Tall, (for a first grader), dark, and handsome, I like to think George was a strong, silent, troubled-artist type in the making. I don’t remember much more than that about him, just that the first time he talked to me was after I had gotten a nose-bleed from plugging my nose while hiding behind the garbage can in hide-and-seek at recess. I was sitting in class with the TA’s kleenexed finger shoved up my nose when he came over and asked what happened to me.
I was too shy to say anything, and, you know, I had someone’s finger in my nose, so the TA replied, “she fought a bear…and won.” I don’t think George was very impressed, but no matter, by the last day of class we were holding hands, sitting on top of our desks watching “Return to Oz”, and I was in Heaven. George switched schools after grade one and I never saw him again. Except that the world is a creepy, creepy place, and he somehow found me on Facebook. (All of the guys I mention in this post are my friends on Facebook and how I WISH I could insert pictures of them…but no, Kat, that’s terrifying and illegal.)
In grade two, I was left not only boy-less, but friendless due to the departure of my two besties. I remember begging the universe to send me a best friend and a boyfriend, and I kid you not, within a week we had two new Australian students. Catherine, my new best friend, and Damon, my new love interest. Thus began my lifelong love of Australians. (Seriously, they are all amazing.)
Damon and I would play this game every recess break with a few other kids where we pretended to be puppies. One day, puppy-Damon and puppy-Kat both got run over by a car and had to be sent to the corner of the schoolyard, (the “vet’s office”), to heal. We just lay there together, cuddling, and it was really weird, (puppy love, folks, literally) , so after recess I decided I didn’t like Damon anymore and quit “The Puppy Game.”
Unfortunately Damon didn’t take this too well, and called my house that night, leaving a voicemail saying, “Hi, it’s Damon. I was just wondering if Kat was still playing the puppy game?” My parents couldn’t make out anything other than “Kat”, because of his Australian accent, and I was mortified and told them I had no idea who it was or what he was saying.
I avoided Damon for the rest of grade 2, until he told everyone he had to go back to Australia and gave me a really cute Valentine’s day card, but by the time I wanted to get back together, he was gone. (Notice a recurring theme here?)
In grade 3, it was the new student, Matthew, that caught my eye. He came in halfway through the year and liked my friend, Ali, because they happened to have the same last name. I was heartbroken. Also, it was weird, and felt mildly incestuous of them, so by the end of grade 3, Ali was no longer my friend, and I was on to bigger and better boys.
Such as Randall, the man of my dreams in grade 4. (I’m not going to lie to you, I’m still kind of in love with this kid; he was my first long-term secret soul mate, and yes, he’s a babe now.) This was bad timing on my part because Randall had been super into me in grade 3, but now that I was over Matthew, he was over me. My best friend Catherine (the Australian!) had a crush on Randall’s best friend, Jack, so WE COULD HAVE HAD THE CUTEST DOUBLE DATES, but it totally didn’t work out for either of us.
Randall was a sort of dweeby, skinny brunette, but he had the best smile in the world, and this laugh that make his face scrunch up in a funny way, like he was trying to hide that he was laughing. I remember the first time I noticed it, when he went up to hand in his math homework at the front of the class. I melted.
In grade 5 I continued to be in love with Randall, and it became one of those things where I was totally fine with telling everyone, EXCEPT for Randall, so I mean, obviously he knew. But we never talked about it, and in grade 6, I was over him (well, over him for the first time.)
Because in grade 6, things got steamy. KENTON: A new kid with flippy blonde hair, no upper lip, and a cute, slurred voice that made him sound constantly drunk. Grade 6 also saw the invention of MSN chat, so you can bet, every night I was alllll over that, getting WAY too excited whenever his name popped up online. I have vivid memories of listening to “Collide” by Howie Day, and sending excessive smiley face emoticons to Kenton.
At the beginning of grade 6, one of our teachers mentioned that we might have a dance at the end of the year, and that thought made us all crazy. It was all we talked about. A month into the school year, the first boy had already asked his crush to the dance, and the pressure was on. Of course, one of my friends spilled to Kenton that I was head-over-heels for him, and he asked her if I would say yes if he asked me, and so she came and asked me for him. I was terrified, and though I loved him, I liked to do so from afar, and couldn’t deal with ACTUALLY dating a boy, in grade 6 no less. So she told him no for me, and within 3 days he had asked out a different girl. Typical.
Anyways, the dance didn’t end up happening, because the teachers got really weirded-out about how intensely we were fretting over it, and in the end, all that pressure had been for naught.
In grade 7 I fell back in love with Randall, but he knew, and he made fun of me for it. We didn’t end up going to the same high school, but he did end up making out with my best friend at a party before the summer of grade 8. Not cool.
Thus ended myelementary school crush timeline, and I entered high school, never to see most of the above boys again. But I’m not going to lie, I can still truthfully say I have a soft spot for quiet boys, Australian boys, nerdy boys, boys with weird voices, and boys that don’t like me. So, maybe, even though I’ve long since gotten over the kids listed here, things don’t really change that much.
BUT SERIOUSLY RANDALL. NOT COOL.
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