Tomorrow I will feature 10 unusual things I am HORRIFIC at for no reason. But for today:
1. Waking up on time
Pick a time, any time. I will wake up at it. Even if it’s not my usual time. It appears that somehow I have cultivated the ability to be really, really smart when I’m not thinking. I can’t even guess the correct time within the hour when I’m awake…but if I set an alarm, I WILL wake-up exactly one minute before whenever it is set to go off.
2. Enjoying movies
This is another way of saying, I am easily amused and I do not have high standards for what I find entertaining. However, apparently in normal people land, if someone dislikes a movie it is appropriate to change it or stop watching should boredom set in. WHAT? No, once the opening credits are through, I am glued to the screen. I don’t care if it’s a documentary on grasshopper mating rituals, I’m hooked. The same goes for books. Great Expectations? No, it wasn’t exactly thrilling…but I read it.
3. Writing in yearbooks
Back in the high school days I was a CHAMPION yearbook writer. There were no generic “HAGS” messages penned by this hand, oh no. I was a pro at being able to isolate any brief interaction or connection I may have had to someone else and milk it like we grew up across the street from each other. I was the queen of creating inside jokes out of thin air, and miraculously recalling random facts about people as soon as their page was placed in front of me. And what did I get for it? Well, a lot of “HAGS.”
4. Chewing gum
We all know gum sucks after about 10 minutes. No matter how many pieces you stuff into your chompers, it gets gross and stale after a certain period of time. And there is not always a gum disposal option available. And in these dire circumstances, I can keep a piece of gum in my mouth for HOURS. Possibly even DAYS. (Exaggeration.)I don’t necessarily mean by chewing; usually I can just rest it against the back of my teeth and forget about it until a garbage can or napkin presents itself. But the thing is…I can TOLERATE it far past it’s due. Aren’t you impressed?
The Kat method of studying consists of not studying until the night before the test, (in emergencies: the hour before the test), then CRAMMING EVERYTHING into my brain via weird memorization devices, thereby acing the test. I need to remember words the start with the letters H, J, E, B, F, A and A, for example? No problem. Harold Just Eats Bacon, Fries, And Ants. AND I WILL REMEMBER THAT. Until about 2 minutes after the test is done.
Give me half a verse and I can fudge my way through the rest. Give me the chorus and it’s ingrained into my mind for all eternity. And if I don’t know what I’m doing, a little bit of lip synching mixed with some convincing, but non-specific drawn out vowel sounds, and sprinkled with whatever word most logically rhymes with that of the line before it can get me through any tune.
7. Making things on time
What I mean by this is, if there is a bus or a plane or a train or a show or someplace I have to be at a specific time, SOMEHOW I can usually make it just in the nick of time. It might not sound impressive, but it’s rather fascinating given that I usually have no time to spare, for as soon as I catch that bus or whatever it may be, it’s off. Or the second I arrive at a show, the opening number starts. It’s mostly just remarkable because I always am aware that if I had just left a minute later, or took slightly slower steps, I wouldn’t have made it at all.
8. Threading needles
Can I sew? Not at all. But I’ve never met a needle I couldn’t thread. (I would like to petition for this to become an extreme sport. EXTREME NEEDLE THREADING-points will be awarded on a needle hole to thread diameter ratio, along with how many attempts it takes, the time it takes, and how cleanly the thread goes through.)
9. Sticky noting
I am a big fan of the sticky notes. I am not entirely sure this means that I’m good at using them, but boy do I ever use them. You can put sticky notes ANYWHERE, and communicate ANYTHING you can fit on that little yellow square. “Lisa called”, “buy milk”, “wrap this gift in blue paper”, “no, this is a very disagreeable colour and why did you even pick up a paint strip of dark yellows? Fool.” “Off to run drugs across the border and initiate a bank heist, and then possibly participate in nuclear bomb testing later in the afternoon. Expect me home for dinner!”
10. Grammatically correct drunk texting
Most people’s texts whilst intoxicated are something like: “KAATtrrrr naawpoopyskempin do?”
I, on the other hand, am the Charles Dickens of drunk texts. So maybe the content is still full-force drunken, but by knowing I am more prone to slip-ups in such a state, I go out of my way to get all fancy with the semi-colons and poetic with my word choice.
Eg: “I would like to inform you of the war this bottle of vodka has started against my liver. Completely uncalled for and vicious of an attack it is. In such wee hours of the dawn, this weary battle wages on. Should I remain alive, I will be calling in sick tomorrow. I shall tell the boss it is food poisoning.”
Then of course I realize I am, in fact, texting my boss.
You win some, you lose some, I guess.