Day 5: 10 Unusual Things I Am Horrifically Awful At

31 Days of Summer: Day 5, still alive.

Yesterday I bragged about 10 unusual things I’m surprisingly good at. Today, is a different story.

10 Things I Suck At:

1. Heels

I don’t understand. I can wear pointe shoes and jump and turn and hop on them for HOURS but put me in a pair of heels and I go full newborn calf mode. I need to be either fully on top of my toes, or allowed to have my heels on the ground. None of this toes on a platform, heels on a twiggy little stick teeter-totter stuff. Where am I supposed to put my weight? Like hell do I trust that twiggy little stick to hold me up, heels, like HELL.

2. Unlocking things

I get anxiety every time someone gives me a key and tells me to go unlock something. Because 9 times out of 10 I have to try at least 3 times before I am successful. Putting the key in backwards, using the wrong key, turning the wrong way, not getting the key fully in the lock…EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG WILL GO WRONG.

3. Wearing lipstick

“You have lipstick on your teeth.” Believe me, I know all the tricks. Believe me, it still get on my teeth.

4. Escalators

I am a klutz. There. I said it. And when moving architecture is involved, I don’t do well. I need at least 5 seconds after every escalator ride to get my land legs back. They really throw me off.

5. Not laughing at inappropriate times

Everything gets funnier the more serious it is. This stems from laughing at my own faults and mistakes. For example, I think it’s hilarious when I trip wearing heels or fail at escalators or get pooped on by birds.  I CAN’T HELP IT. Life is a comedic tragedy.

6. Understanding movie plots

This is mostly a problem with action or mystery movies, where everything is happening so fast, and everything is going so terribly downhill because of some problem that I really vaguely understand, and then…WAIT it can all be fixed by something something something and IT ALL BECOMES CLEAR to the protagonist that because of something there’s a loophole in the something and if he does something with the something at some time EVERYTHING WILL BE FIXED. I mean, as I mentioned yesterday, I’ll still enjoy the movie, but I’ll be left feeling pretty confused and brain dead.

7. Giving directions

I feel like I get an abnormal amount of people coming up to me and asking for directions. I cringe every time I realize it’s about to happen because in most cases, even if said stranger is looking for directions to MY OWN STREET I’ll be completely useless. These conversations usually end with: “I think if you go that way…I THINK… might want to ask someone else.” Or: “I didn’t even know that existed.” Or: “Actually, I’m lost right now too. I was going to ask you for directions.”

8. Lying to strangers

When sketchy people sit down next to me on busses or strike up conversations on the street, I am AWFUL about lying about details that I should keep to myself. Oh, you want my name? Phone number? Address? Credit card number and credit score? Sure, sure. Not a problem. I gave someone a fake phone number ONCE and didn’t get caught and it was the proudest moment of my life.

9. Getting from point A to point B efficiently

Hiking up a mountain: Why go straight up when you could take a detour around a tree and trip over this rock here, and then climb up this ridge and back down it, and stray off the trail a little bit over to this grassy section, then pass through those poison ivy bushes…

Walking across parking lots: I’ll go around this van here, and then walk through this little gardeny section, before crossing  the street right when this car is backing out , and then squeeze through a really tight space between two vehicles…repeat.

Getting to any specific section in Walmart: The sign says to go straight and then turn left, but maybe if I cut through these clothing racks, and then try and fit between these spinning jewlery displays, and then zig-zag up and down the cleaning product aisles…

10. Finding, pairing, and wearing matching socks

But…they both have stripes.

It’s gotten to the point where when I do laundry I will be satisfied to pair a light blue knee sock with a navy ankle sock because…well, they’re both in the blue family. Or say I only have this rainbow toe sock and Rudolph patterned fuzzy sock left over…well…HEY THEY COULD BE A PAIR; THEY’RE BOTH SOCKS!

3 thoughts on “Day 5: 10 Unusual Things I Am Horrifically Awful At

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