Day 20: Next-Life Request Form

31 Days of Summer: Day 20

 

Dear Universe,

I, Katrina; human since August 3rd, 1993, hereby formally and officially request “cat” for my next life.

As a cat, I would continue my voyage of enlightenment through stimulating cat-specific activities such as frolicking, purring, napping, and the general destruction of anything I please.

I would like to examine the human-cat dynamic from this new angle, and I believe my already present, human attributes would translate well into next-life cattributes. For example, I am annoying as all f*ck but extremely loving and kind. I love sleeping in strange positions, trying to fit into small and unusual spaces, and am flexible, hungry, and expressive. I lack common sense to a ghastly degree and enjoy changing my mind.

As a cat, be it domestic or wild, I would focus on living in the moment and doing exactly as I please. Should the opportunity arise, I would be honoured to be a mama cat and carry around scruffy little fur balls in my teeth during the day, licking them gently to sleep at night.

I would definitely get all up in the cat-nip, too.

Therefore universe, in the next life, please take me into consideration for the role of “cat.” Should this not be possible; meerkat, clown fish, penguin, and sloth are all parts I would be apt and content to explore as well.

Thank you for your time,

Kat

Day 19: Love Alters Not

Friends!

So I had this obsessive “Beautiful Mind” moment (can you tell I just watched this movie?) and despite knowing nothing about making music or whatever, I downloaded audacity and went to town.

I was inspired mostly by Shakespeare’s Sonnet 116. Basically the result is a compilation of songs and sounds that convey a journey in “love” from the initial excitement, to falling, to complete commitment.

So…here it is, hopefully you can find something in it to relate to:

Songs:

Sweet Disposition-The Temper Trap

Foreground-Grizzly Bear

Infra 8-Max Richter

Shakespeare Sonnet 116 read by Tom O’Bedlam

Sections from “Blue Valentine”

Day 17: The Hangry Apocalyspe

31 Days of Summer: Day 17

They come in hoards, scratching at the windows with unblinking eyes, void of emotion, drool dripping out of their mouths, arms reaching to grab you…

And then they’re inside, right up against your face, breathing heavily:

“We’re a party of 5 adults and 3 children and we just got off a 46 hour flight so we’ll need a table immediately.”

“Three of us became celiac in the last hour, Janet has a 50% chance of getting food poisoning no matter what she eats, and Alex is allergic to molecules. I’ll need four highchairs and a table by the bathroom because Bobby has a bad case of traveller’s diarrhea. If we aren’t seated ASAP things could get messy because Gina, here, is recovering from cannibalism. “

The Hanger Apocalypse has found your restaurant. All you can do now is speak kindly, and carry a lot of menus.

“GREAT! We’re actually looking at a wait time of about a half hour right now, did you want me to put you down on the waitli-OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, how did you even get a flaming trident into the building? You know what, never mind. I-I’m sure we can work something out.”

“I’m just going to kneel on the ground here and you can eat off of my back, is that alright? NO GINA, please, I said ‘OFF OF MY back’, not my back!”

————————————————————————————————–

ACK. While this exact scenario has yet to occur to the same magnitude of what is described above, I can tell you that there is nothing scarier than a waitlisted, hangry mob of people, spewing expletives in the corners of your periphery. You must avoid looking into their eyes, or you’ll turn to stone.

Which is why, yesterday, I FINALLY sat a man still waiting for his date to join, and made sure to thank him profusely for his patience, simply as a means of survival.

The response?

“Not a problem at all! It was my pleasure to wait; I enjoyed it!”

Wait. Not a hint of sarcasm either?

What?

I had fallen in love. “REALLY ARE YOU KIDDING WOW I LOVE YOU CAN I SHOWER YOU IN KITTENS AND START A PETITION TO MAKE YOU A SAINT AND GIVE YOU YOUR OWN HOLIDAY AND HERE IS A VOUCHER FOR 1000 FREE TAP DANCES FOR USE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE.”

The man was a magician. He had it figured out. For no matter the circumstances, being kind somehow  will always get you better tables, and fresher food, and friendlier service. And when your date arrives, the entire staff team will tell her to marry you.

THE CHOICE IS YOURS, young Jedi. But let me tell you that the instant you choose to go to be a “dark-side” customer, your description on the waitlist becomes about a million times less flattering, which is a direct reflection of how you have presented yourself.

To rephrase that, your attitude determines between: “lady hiding dead body underneath her hair with her satanic pack of devil scum,” or “lady with pretty bouffant and adorable, angelic children in tow.”

Besides …Hint: The food tastes better on the light side of the Force.

 

 

Day 16: BUT

Okay, so there’s this rule…that everybody knows…that I also just made up…that if the day ends before you fall asleep, it is NOT ACTUALLY OVER.

So, on that note: Hi, I just got home from the dreaded double shift and I shall count today as Day 16 whether Joseph Gordon-Levitt likes it or not.

Anyways I wrote you a poemy type thing on the bus ride home and it probably makes no sense which is AWESOME because that’s how you know you wrote a good poem…right? I named it “But”. One ‘T’ only. You’re welcome.

“But”

The story reads from right to left
Starting from the top
Down the page
And on past the commas, periods, and exclamation marks.
But
In between those lines
We learn
Things are not what they seem.

For these brief words have been sifted
and eroded
Mineralized
and compacted
Decomposed
and fossilised.

Yes,
Here it reads, “boy meet girl.”
Here at the sharpest end of a tiny pin
In a box of your mother’s jewelery
In a tomb of a dusty room
In a house that vibrates with the anxiety of secrets that it keeps in it’s tight
And static
Geographical location.

Here
Beside the there
Within the town of that
And ever larger nesting dolls of etc.’s
Hide it well.

With this refinery
It is possible to stumble upon such a sure story and write it down as
Evidence and
Profound fact
With the beginning as “boy”
but
And the climax as “meets”
but
And the end as “girl”
but
And the “.” as happily ever after
And forever
 but
And always.

BUT

Perhaps the boy has met another girl
Or maybe the girl drove her car off the bridge
Or the boy finds the greatest peace in knitting
And the girl plays heavy metal
All things
Far too run-on and messy
For the neat sentence that here contains their lives
In such an false
Yet acceptable way.

For stories may be told
But the truth remains locked in what we hold onto
Beating steadfast in our rattling ribcages
Set free in the moment of
Realization
That things are not what the seem.

This present moment
The domino on which you perch with fleeting balance
Is the only
Sure
Story.

For here
It is all
Uncertain.

Day 15(.5)-UPDATEROO

.5?! Yes, yes, I’m incredibly generous/I feel guilty using up a day’s post to remind you of what’s already been posted.

Amount of posts I’m allowed to publish in one day?
The limit does not exist.

First order of business: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is still safe with me, and doing much better at that. Though he does like to constantly remind me that the challenge title, “31 Days of Summer” is the most half-assed attempt at a clever and relevant movie reference…

 Secondly, it has come to my attention that for some reason, 53 PEOPLE ARE FOLLOWING THIS BLOG. And maybe that’s not a LOT, but it just dawned on me that 53 people are notified of every word I write. So, sincerely, thank you, thank you; I don’t care how many people any of you have murdered, you’re all absolutely lovely in my eyes.

followers

SEE. That or my mom created 53 accounts…wouldn’t put it past her.

Also, tell me about yourselves, because it can get rather boring talking about myself all the time and I want to know your favourite colours, and your favourite ninja turtles, and where you’re from, and your thoughts on the possibility of the existence of unicorns and other mythical creatures, and how high your tolerance is for run on sentences on a scale of  1-10, and if you’re often wearing matching socks and if so, what your strategies  are for accomplishing said FEET FEAT etc. etc.

OKAY. Comment that all out of your systems if you like, and if you’re too paranoid to answer any questions because you have murdered 1 or more persons, I understand, that’s alright too.

Now, without further ado…links to catch you up on the documentation of my insanity.

Previously on …So Help Me Cats:

Day 1: In which I am too hipster for New Year’s resolutions…so I make them in July.

Day 2: In which I present you with fun Canadian facts that WILL BE ON THE TEST. (Just kidding, there’s no test…or is there?)

Day 3: In which I invite you to my Lion King themed funeral…date TBD.

Day 4: I which “Excellence in Sing-A-Longs” and nine other things get added to my resume.

Day 5: In which I display my Anti-Skill Set.

Day 6: In which you can learn how to make a killing off of smashing things.

Day 7: In which I explain how uncomfortable and worried selfie-takers make me feel.

Day 8: In which I end a relationship of over 14 years.

Day 9: In which I tell you all my secrets…such as where I buy groceries.

Day 10: In which in the name of lost love, things get momentarily metaphorical.

Day 11: In which saying ‘no’ gets so good, you’ll never want to say ‘yes’ again.

Day 12: In which I endorse insanity in the name of turning that frown upside down.

Day 13: In which I explain the book series that made my life one big Caturday.

Day 14: In which gravity doesn’t exist for caution sign characters.

Day 15: In which I solemnly swear I am Caucasian.

 

Alrighty, get yourself all caught up, and we’ll keep this party going.

Day 14: Whoops

Hello friends! It is currently 11:50 pm so I’m going to speed write this post, which is going to be mildly lame because I am writing it in bed on an iPod after remembering that I didn’t put anything up today. JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT I ALMOST FAILED YOU.

Then again, I tend to get really into these posts and they end up accidentally being, like, 1000 words each, and that’s just annoying, I realize. So maybe this is for the best.

Anyways…I have no idea what to write. I got home at 5 this morning, and then headed off to pretend to be Asian at my work. (This is all a story I will explain in the future.) 36 awkward moments and 6 inappropriate outbursts of laughter later, here we are at 11:55 pm. Typical.

Oh! I know! I did take a picture of this sign on my way home because I found it completely hilarious.

20130714-235712.jpg

Mostly because I cannot imagine a single scenario that would cause someone sitting on a wall to fall in such an epic, Supermanny, flight-like manner. I wish my clumsiness was at least as cool as they make it seem in the caution signs.

Til tomorrow!

Day 12: So You Had A Bad Day

31 Days of Summer: Day 12

So you had a bad day…

Maybe you got kicked off of American Idol Circa 2006.

Heaven forbid, perhaps your cat died.

…Or you washed a pink sock with your whites

…Or you didn’t get THE BIG THING you were hoping for

…Or your boss’s bitchemia (cancer of the personality…usually terminal) went into remission.

Whatever the case, it was a slumpy, frumpy, dumpy day, and now you need to be cheered up. That’s what I’m here for! So climb off the ledge and out of the doldrums, and read on for 10 CHEERY CHEERER UPPERS.

Just so we’re clear…no.

1. Melt things

I have what I like to call, “Wimpy Pyromania”. Burning things is scary, melting things is…AWESOME. Get a big pot, put it on the stove and just MELT STUFF. I recommend chocolate, and lots of it. Add in some condensed milk or cream or buttermilk, maybe some icing sugar, and after that you can throw in whatever your heart desires. Cookie chunks, marshmallows (are super fun because they make little yelpy squeals as they DIE), peanut butter, pudding…go for it. It could very well be inedible, but no matter, it’s the melting that releases the stress.

2. Use up all that bath shit

You know when people don’t know what to buy for gifts and they get you bath shit? You know what I mean; bath bombs, bath salts, bubble bath, shower gel, etc. Yeah. You know how it’s just sitting around your house unused? USE IT. Just have a bath bonfire. Go to town. I dare you.

3. Reply to “‘No Reply” addresses

Be a little rebellious. After all, haven’t you unsubscribed from Babycenter.com’s email list like…A THOUSAND TIMES? (I have…and for the love of my womb, Babycenter, I did not have a child and I would like to stop getting breastfeeding tips and weekly updates on my “baby girl.”) Write whatever you want. It’s not so much WHAT you reply, but mostly the act of replying itself. Thrilling.

4. Swing therapy

Wait until it’s dark out, head to your nearest playground, hop on a swing, plug in your headphones, put on “Pachebel’s Canon”, and take off. Unleash the epic.

5. Paint your nails obnoxious colours

Heidi Klum approves this message.

Because you can. NO. YOU REALLY CAN. I’m talking a different colour on every nail. Make sure you laugh like a maniac while you’re doing this. It’s like a very controlled Britney Spearsesque mental breakdown. You can remove nailpolish. You can’t unshave your head.

6. Get a quote

Go to the quote section on Pinterest and be prepared to feel uplifted. And then follow “So Help Me Kat.”

7. Take purposefully ugly selfies

While normally I do not condone over selfie-ing, under drastic circumstances, an ugly selfie photoshoot can really pull you out of a slump. How many multiple chins can you make? What would your face look like if Grandma really got run over by a reindeer? What fun shapes can you make with your eyebrows? It’s like gymnastics for your face.

8. Kittens, penguins, and sloths

These are the “Golden Three” happy-inducing animals to watch on youtube.

9. Write someone a letter

A thank-you letter. Because no matter how awful people can seem on your bad days, there’s always at least one person you are thankful for. Write them a letter and let them know. There’s so much grace found in being a sincere, good person on a bad day.

10. Start over

Tomorrow is a new day, and it’s yours for the taking. Give up on caring what others think; what do you think? If something you’re doing isn’t working, do something else. Start again, and again, and again, until you find what you love to do. It will be worth it.

This is the only life that’s yours, guaranteed. Whatever you dream of doing, DO IT DO IT DO IT. Chase the things you want, become the people you admire, and be sure to laugh at every silly little failure.

For all the bad days, it’s truly an amazing life. Go soak up all that amazingness, ok?