Day 11: 25 (More) Bad Ass Ways to Say No

31 Days of Summer: Day 11

So I found this exceptionally “no” inspiring poster on Pinterest, titled “25 Bad Ass Ways to Say No” , and was inspired to create my own knock-off, “25 (more) Bad Ass Ways to Say No.” And well, here she is.

25 more ways to say no edited fixed

Which is your favourite? And what would you add?

Day 5: 10 Unusual Things I Am Horrifically Awful At

31 Days of Summer: Day 5, still alive.

Yesterday I bragged about 10 unusual things I’m surprisingly good at. Today, is a different story.

10 Things I Suck At:

1. Heels

I don’t understand. I can wear pointe shoes and jump and turn and hop on them for HOURS but put me in a pair of heels and I go full newborn calf mode. I need to be either fully on top of my toes, or allowed to have my heels on the ground. None of this toes on a platform, heels on a twiggy little stick teeter-totter stuff. Where am I supposed to put my weight? Like hell do I trust that twiggy little stick to hold me up, heels, like HELL.

2. Unlocking things

I get anxiety every time someone gives me a key and tells me to go unlock something. Because 9 times out of 10 I have to try at least 3 times before I am successful. Putting the key in backwards, using the wrong key, turning the wrong way, not getting the key fully in the lock…EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG WILL GO WRONG.

3. Wearing lipstick

“You have lipstick on your teeth.” Believe me, I know all the tricks. Believe me, it still get on my teeth.

4. Escalators

I am a klutz. There. I said it. And when moving architecture is involved, I don’t do well. I need at least 5 seconds after every escalator ride to get my land legs back. They really throw me off.

5. Not laughing at inappropriate times

Everything gets funnier the more serious it is. This stems from laughing at my own faults and mistakes. For example, I think it’s hilarious when I trip wearing heels or fail at escalators or get pooped on by birds.  I CAN’T HELP IT. Life is a comedic tragedy.

6. Understanding movie plots

This is mostly a problem with action or mystery movies, where everything is happening so fast, and everything is going so terribly downhill because of some problem that I really vaguely understand, and then…WAIT it can all be fixed by something something something and IT ALL BECOMES CLEAR to the protagonist that because of something there’s a loophole in the something and if he does something with the something at some time EVERYTHING WILL BE FIXED. I mean, as I mentioned yesterday, I’ll still enjoy the movie, but I’ll be left feeling pretty confused and brain dead.

7. Giving directions

I feel like I get an abnormal amount of people coming up to me and asking for directions. I cringe every time I realize it’s about to happen because in most cases, even if said stranger is looking for directions to MY OWN STREET I’ll be completely useless. These conversations usually end with: “I think if you go that way…I THINK…er..you might want to ask someone else.” Or: “I didn’t even know that existed.” Or: “Actually, I’m lost right now too. I was going to ask you for directions.”

8. Lying to strangers

When sketchy people sit down next to me on busses or strike up conversations on the street, I am AWFUL about lying about details that I should keep to myself. Oh, you want my name? Phone number? Address? Credit card number and credit score? Sure, sure. Not a problem. I gave someone a fake phone number ONCE and didn’t get caught and it was the proudest moment of my life.

9. Getting from point A to point B efficiently

Hiking up a mountain: Why go straight up when you could take a detour around a tree and trip over this rock here, and then climb up this ridge and back down it, and stray off the trail a little bit over to this grassy section, then pass through those poison ivy bushes…

Walking across parking lots: I’ll go around this van here, and then walk through this little gardeny section, before crossing  the street right when this car is backing out , and then squeeze through a really tight space between two vehicles…repeat.

Getting to any specific section in Walmart: The sign says to go straight and then turn left, but maybe if I cut through these clothing racks, and then try and fit between these spinning jewlery displays, and then zig-zag up and down the cleaning product aisles…

10. Finding, pairing, and wearing matching socks

But…they both have stripes.

It’s gotten to the point where when I do laundry I will be satisfied to pair a light blue knee sock with a navy ankle sock because…well, they’re both in the blue family. Or say I only have this rainbow toe sock and Rudolph patterned fuzzy sock left over…well…HEY THEY COULD BE A PAIR; THEY’RE BOTH SOCKS!

His Spectrum: Inspired by “November” by Max Richter

KSCN001466

To The Weirdos,

This post is part of the “Blogging from A-Z April Challenge”! The “W” themed inspiration for today is “weirdo.” Enjoy!

Dear Weirdos of The World,

Keep doing what you’re doing; it’s freaky and I like it.

…Well, for the most part. Some of you are just absolutely terrifying.

Here are a few brief letters to my favorite and least favorite weirdos that I’ve had the pleasure/misfortune of noticing/interacting with.

Dear elderly woman who walks around downtown, whispering to a pet chicken you push around in a stroller,

It’s messed up. It’s also kind of cute.

Yes.

I like it. I don’t get it, but I like it. We all need to love someone, and if that someone is a chicken, I’m still all for it. If it was of the Kentucky-fried variety, however, I would be concerned. But this makes me happy. There is genuine love in your eyes and it moves me a little bit, like a really messed up abstract art installation that I don’t understand but really, truly, appreciate.

Dear man who followed me on the subway and then chased me down the street with an orange screaming, “I love you! I don’t have flowers, but take the orange!”,

No.

No.

NO.

I don’t want your orange, I don’t want your love, and I REAAAALLLY don’t want you running after me.

Sincerely,

No way in Hell I’m telling you my name.

Dear couple that approached me at the drugstore to ask if I was interested in egg donation,

So, the answer was NO, but I still can’t help but feel touched that you “want your child to look like me.” Actually, that’s very weird and creepy and your approach was probably not the best, but I do think you’re quite nice anyways, and I wish you two the best of luck.

Also, I’m insane, hopelessly klutzy, and my hair does some freaky stuff, so you dodged a bullet on that one.

Dear gentleman who apparently came into work at least once a week and was able to recite my last 30 nail polish colours IN ORDER,

What? I mean…WHAT? I mean, thanks…for noticing? I will say that I’d feel a bit guilty, though, if you forgot some actually important things because you used all your brain space to memorize what nail colours I’ve worn.

So I would just…you know, take it easy on that if you like.

I imagine this is what the inside of your brain looks like, and it’s concerning.

Dear Korean couple roommates from Toronto that I met on Craigslist,

The fact that the only time I understand you is when you’re grunting in the shower late at night, is kind of an issue. Not because your English is exceptionally rough, but because I need to use that shower in the morning.

Dear nun on the bus that tried to get me to become a sister,

If you were really able to get me to change the entire direction of my life AND become religious in the time it takes to drive two bus stops down the road, I wouldn’t think you would want me in the church anyways. Because I would have to be a complete nutcase.

(Like you.)

Dear homeless man who got me to role-play “Polar Express” on the subway on Christmas Eve,

A pretty accurate visual of what went down.

Yup, best day of my life. It’s like you read my mind. There’s nothing like a real life chorus of “Hot Chocolate” with (slightly less graceful) acrobatics on the most magical day of the year in the strangest place in the world.

P.S. Are you Santa Claus?

 

Dear man who chased me down the street yelling at me to tie my shoe,

For example, if this is you, you can stop running; I’m not going anywhere.

First of all, you guys have got to understand that chasing women down streets works in 0% of situations, unless you are an attractive male actor in a movie who just realized the love of his life is getting away from him. Which you are not. Also, whatever point you are trying to get across, does not get across, because YOU ARE CHASING ME DOWN THE STREET AND THAT’S TERRIFYING. Furthermore, I know my shoelace is untied, and I would love to stop and tie it, but unfortunately I’m trying to avoid being potentially murdered by you.

Thanks.

 

Dear taxi driver that wants me to choreograph a “Hip-hop/bollywood/jazz/ballet fusion solo that also incorporates breakdancing”,

If you let me add a little flamenco and give me my cab ride free, it’s a done deal.

 

And perhaps most importantly:

Dear Kat,

You’re writing a letter to yourself, so that in itself constitutes weirdness.

I must say I wish you were a bit more “weird in a cute way” than “weird in an old lady living under a bridge, collecting animal carcasses from along the highway, naming them, and pretending they are her children, type of way,” but hey, at least you’re not normal.

Much love, kitty.

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(Also…X tomorrow? There’s a whopping FOUR words in the dictionary that begin with X. Excellent. Or should I say…X-ellant?)

Utopia

This post is part of the “Blogging from A-Z April Challenge”! The “U” themed inspiration for today is “utopia.” It’s a monster post…but it’s probably one of the most important ones I’ve written.

I do not remember the saddest day of my life.

That’s not to say I don’t remember exams, or deaths; broken bones, surgeries and scars. I certainly can’t forget about heartbreak, failure, disappointment, and all those unexpected lasts, and I know too well of the scariest stretches of days where nothing went wrong at all, but everything felt terribly off.

But when I think back on this small little history of my tiny life, the truth remains; I don’t remember my saddest day.

What I do remember, is my happiest day.

I must have been around 13, and my family was on summer holidays on a beach off the west coast of Canada. Our car had broken down and we were forced to stay longer than we had anticipated. One day before lunch we all went down to the beach. I’m not sure what we did, but the moment that materializes in my memory when I think of happiness is this:

I’m lying on a towel in my bathing suit on this huge, expansive, west coast beach. It’s warm, but not hot, and I have that relieved and sleepy feeling one gets after swimming. There’s a slight breeze and I can hear the soothing rush of the ocean; a background to my thoughts. I’m reading a book, but I’ve paused for a second to realize something: how content I am. There are no fireworks, there is no man of my dreams, I haven’t won the lottery, and yet, here on this beach quietly surrounded by my family, I am the happiest I have ever been. I just take a moment to notice it. ‘This is Utopia,’ I think.

Sometimes I wonder why we look back on the past with that warm nostalgia; why we call to mind the good quicker than the bad. And I think I’ve solved it. Sorrow is part of the deal we have with this strange thing called life. There are a lot of acceptable reasons to be sad.

Bad stuff happens to us, in sometimes overwhelming doses, but I don’t think in such states we are in a calm enough state of mind to really notice: “I am sad.”

But happiness? That’s ours whenever we want it. Contrary to sadness, unprecedented, overwhelming incidents of happiness are rare. Sadness is often an occasion. Happiness is a state of mind.

We are more present in our happiness than our sadness, because I think it is, more often than pain, something that we must will into being. It’s something we project, perhaps not often, but it’s something we tend to recognize because the feeling itself gives us the clarity to do so. Realizing your happiness, is the greatest level of fulfillment.

I feel as if sadness is a build up inside of us, like a clogged drain. Happiness, however, isn’t something else completely, it’s just a working drain. An unclogged drain.

So, yes, I remember the happiest day of my life, and I realize it was no Utopia. I realize Utopia can’t exist, because it can’t be some external, physical place or thing. Happiness comes from yourself, and that, whether I realized it as a 13 year old or not, is to what I was referring.

Still, there is something kind of perfect in realizing that the positive prevails, while the sad days come surely, but then fade away.

Just like debris floating away from the drain.

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(V, W, X, Y, and Z…the end is in sight! Though I have nothing planned…stay tuned for the wildly entertaining spectacle that is, “Kat flying by the seat of her pants”!)

In This Kaleidoscopic Kingdom

This post is part of the “Blogging from A-Z April Challenge”! The “K” themed inspiration for today is…well, the letter “K”! Nothing like exploring that exclusive little section of the dictionary that is home to knights and kings and a variety of Australian marsupials. Enjoy!

 

In This Kaleidoscopic Kingdom

 

In this kaleidoscopic kingdom

Kindred are we

A koala and a kangaroo

Kicking Karate and killer Kung-fu

Kleptomaniacs stealing keen kisses in the kitchenette

While the kettle knocks knowingly

And the kittens kindle kerfuffles,

Kidnapping and parading our knickers

As kitschy cat kimonos.

 

Coming up tomorrow on the A-Z Challenge: ‘L’ is for “LOST”.

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Jurassic-er Park

This post is part of the “Blogging from A-Z April Challenge”! The “J” themed inspiration for today is “Jurassic Park.” Enjoy!

Recently Jurassic Park came out in theatres once again, this time jurassic-er than ever in three dimensions of dino terror.

I went.

I hadn’t seen the movie since I was a child, and all I really remembered was being completely terrified and wondering why on Earth my parents allowed me to watch such a film but not Bambi, Lion King, Dumbo, or part 2 of The Sound of Music.

But Holy T-REX did I have a good time.

The theatre was packed with diehard fans, and as soon as the Jurassic Park title came up on screen the entire room burst into applause. Unfortunately, the only seats we could get by the time we arrived were on the far left of the third row. This location actually turned out to have a hilarious perspective effect of the 3D-ness of the film; every time a character moved from the left to the right of the screen, they shrunk about 50% in size. This made for some fabulous scenes in which Timmy towered over Dr. Grant, or Dr. Sattler ran like a maniac away from a teensy dinosaur.

Anyways, without further ado, a disjointed collection of some of my favourite moments:

Just play dead, Triceratops, maybe he won’t hurt you.

1. The creepy-as-f**k smile Dr. Grant gives Dr. Sattler in the final scene as they zoom peacefully away from the huge mess they’ve all created. Or how about when he just casually lays down on the sick triceratops? That grin. It’s just horrificly fascinating.

2. Samuel L. Jackson: “Hold onto your butts!”
3. Okay…correct me if I’m wrong but did Timmy just survive having the buggy he’s in flipped and crushed by a T-Rex, only to then also survive said buggy falling off a cliff and landing in a tree with him still in it, and FURTHERMORE falling out of a tree and landing with the buggy on top of him? And that’s not all, he also manages to live after being electrocuted off an electric fence at least 20 ft above the ground he lands on. Oh, and a kitchen full of velociraptors? Survives that too. Did I mention he gets through it all with a mere eyebrow scratch and a limp? All this while I have to think extra hard just to avoid tripping over my own feet while walking down the street or falling and breaking my neck when going down stairs?

4. “It’s an interactive CD-ROM!”

5. “God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs.”

“Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the Earth.”

6. The scene that starts on injured Dr. Marcolm’s bare chest, and pans out to his casually seductive “I was just a dino’s chewing gum” pose? Oh hello there, ’90s.

7. When Lex super conveniently turns out to be a computer mastermind in the nick of time. (Though she’s not forgiven for waving her flashlight around at the ANGRY DINOSAUR. Rookie move.)

8. When the T-Rex wins Jurassic UFC:

Yeah, mofos, don’t mess.

9. “Life finds a way.”

(Coming up tomorrow on The A-Z Challenge: ‘K’ is for….well, ‘K’)

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