This post is part of the “Blogging from A-Z April Challenge”! The “W” themed inspiration for today is “weirdo.” Enjoy!
Dear Weirdos of The World,
Keep doing what you’re doing; it’s freaky and I like it.
…Well, for the most part. Some of you are just absolutely terrifying.
Here are a few brief letters to my favorite and least favorite weirdos that I’ve had the pleasure/misfortune of noticing/interacting with.
Dear elderly woman who walks around downtown, whispering to a pet chicken you push around in a stroller,
It’s messed up. It’s also kind of cute.
I like it. I don’t get it, but I like it. We all need to love someone, and if that someone is a chicken, I’m still all for it. If it was of the Kentucky-fried variety, however, I would be concerned. But this makes me happy. There is genuine love in your eyes and it moves me a little bit, like a really messed up abstract art installation that I don’t understand but really, truly, appreciate.
Dear man who followed me on the subway and then chased me down the street with an orange screaming, “I love you! I don’t have flowers, but take the orange!”,
I don’t want your orange, I don’t want your love, and I REAAAALLLY don’t want you running after me.
No way in Hell I’m telling you my name.
Dear couple that approached me at the drugstore to ask if I was interested in egg donation,
So, the answer was NO, but I still can’t help but feel touched that you “want your child to look like me.” Actually, that’s very weird and creepy and your approach was probably not the best, but I do think you’re quite nice anyways, and I wish you two the best of luck.
Also, I’m insane, hopelessly klutzy, and my hair does some freaky stuff, so you dodged a bullet on that one.
Dear gentleman who apparently came into work at least once a week and was able to recite my last 30 nail polish colours IN ORDER,
What? I mean…WHAT? I mean, thanks…for noticing? I will say that I’d feel a bit guilty, though, if you forgot some actually important things because you used all your brain space to memorize what nail colours I’ve worn.
So I would just…you know, take it easy on that if you like.
I imagine this is what the inside of your brain looks like, and it’s concerning.
Dear Korean couple roommates from Toronto that I met on Craigslist,
The fact that the only time I understand you is when you’re grunting in the shower late at night, is kind of an issue. Not because your English is exceptionally rough, but because I need to use that shower in the morning.
Dear nun on the bus that tried to get me to become a sister,
If you were really able to get me to change the entire direction of my life AND become religious in the time it takes to drive two bus stops down the road, I wouldn’t think you would want me in the church anyways. Because I would have to be a complete nutcase.
Dear homeless man who got me to role-play “Polar Express” on the subway on Christmas Eve,
A pretty accurate visual of what went down.
Yup, best day of my life. It’s like you read my mind. There’s nothing like a real life chorus of “Hot Chocolate” with (slightly less graceful) acrobatics on the most magical day of the year in the strangest place in the world.
P.S. Are you Santa Claus?
Dear man who chased me down the street yelling at me to tie my shoe,
For example, if this is you, you can stop running; I’m not going anywhere.
First of all, you guys have got to understand that chasing women down streets works in 0% of situations, unless you are an attractive male actor in a movie who just realized the love of his life is getting away from him. Which you are not. Also, whatever point you are trying to get across, does not get across, because YOU ARE CHASING ME DOWN THE STREET AND THAT’S TERRIFYING. Furthermore, I know my shoelace is untied, and I would love to stop and tie it, but unfortunately I’m trying to avoid being potentially murdered by you.
Dear taxi driver that wants me to choreograph a “Hip-hop/bollywood/jazz/ballet fusion solo that also incorporates breakdancing”,
If you let me add a little flamenco and give me my cab ride free, it’s a done deal.
And perhaps most importantly:
You’re writing a letter to yourself, so that in itself constitutes weirdness.
I must say I wish you were a bit more “weird in a cute way” than “weird in an old lady living under a bridge, collecting animal carcasses from along the highway, naming them, and pretending they are her children, type of way,” but hey, at least you’re not normal.
Much love, kitty.
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(Also…X tomorrow? There’s a whopping FOUR words in the dictionary that begin with X. Excellent. Or should I say…X-ellant?)