I, Katrina; human since August 3rd, 1993, hereby formally and officially request “cat” for my next life.
As a cat, I would continue my voyage of enlightenment through stimulating cat-specific activities such as frolicking, purring, napping, and the general destruction of anything I please.
I would like to examine the human-cat dynamic from this new angle, and I believe my already present, human attributes would translate well into next-life cattributes. For example, I am annoying as all f*ck but extremely loving and kind. I love sleeping in strange positions, trying to fit into small and unusual spaces, and am flexible, hungry, and expressive. I lack common sense to a ghastly degree and enjoy changing my mind.
As a cat, be it domestic or wild, I would focus on living in the moment and doing exactly as I please. Should the opportunity arise, I would be honoured to be a mama cat and carry around scruffy little fur balls in my teeth during the day, licking them gently to sleep at night.
I would definitely get all up in the cat-nip, too.
Therefore universe, in the next life, please take me into consideration for the role of “cat.” Should this not be possible; meerkat, clown fish, penguin, and sloth are all parts I would be apt and content to explore as well.
Thank you for your time,
YES I KNOW. This is a “tag” post. Which means that some bored soul decided to make up a bunch of unimportant questions to ask other bored souls.
No, STOP, don’t roll your eyes. This tag is special.
This specific tag, I am told, is used when authorities interrogate suspect criminals…ooh. Aah.
Here it is:
1. Do you have any pets?
I do not have pets. I have kindred life/soul mates. They just happen to be cats. Mistoffolees and Shyloh are their names. Then my sister has a dog named Harlo. He’s an epileptic corgi/chihuahua that looks like Darth Vader and is currently, appropriately, plotting my demise.
2. Name 3 things that are physically close to you.
A fabulous cat, a shitty computer, and chocolate cupcake crumbs?
3. Do you drive? If so have you crashed?
I do NOT DRIVE. If I did drive, I would not be answering this question. Because I would be dead.
4. What time did you wake up this morning?
6:59. Alarm’s at 7:00. I’m gifted you see.
5. When was the last time you showered?
I believe it was either 16, 783 BC or 16, 782 BC. One of the two, and if not, it was this morning.
6. What’s the weather like right now?
Sunny but sun setty. Super warm.
7. What was the last movie you saw?
Minority Report. I almost had to be hospitalized when Agatha grabbed Tom Cruise and pulled him into the water.
8. What does your last text message say?
“I am debating between sea-green cornrows done into a top knot, or sea-green dreads done into a top knot.” Yes folks, this is real life.
9. What’s your ringtone?
I don’t really know. My phone is always on silent and I don’t have Caller ID so I never answer it in case it’s my cell phone company asking why I never pay them. I have voice mail. Thank God for voice mail.
10. Have you ever been to a different country?
Yes! I’ve been to a few places in the States, and I’ve also been to Spain, Italy, Finland, Croatia, Greece, and Turkey. Once I had a layover in London, so that counts too, right?
11. Do you like sushi?
I didn’t until I discovered the yam tempura roll. Now I love sushi. But please, someone, tell me how on Earth you eat the stuff.
12. Where do you buy your groceries?
At the grocery store.
13. Have you ever taken medication to help you fall asleep faster?
Yes…this crazy thing happened and I fell asleep faster. I was also on oxycodone for a week after surgery and wow, best week of my life. KIDS, DON’T DO DRUGS.
14. How many sibling do you have?
Two whole ones; one sister and two half-brothers. That’s how math works, right?
15. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
I have a…shitty laptop….er, sorry, I mean a “notebook”. But even so, I’m grateful.
16. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
TWENTY GOD IT’S STRESSFUL WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE.
17. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
Neither. But I once desperately applied to a Lenscrafters and they asked me the same question. I replied, “No, I have 20/20 vision. But everyone else in my family is essentially blind, so I feel like I have some acquired experience in the field.” I did not get the job.
18. Do you color your hair?
No, I don’t! But I know, I know; it must seem like it. How else would I be able to obtain such a glorious and unique shade of…brown.
19. Tell me something you are planning to do today.
I think I have some drug running penciled in. BUT DON’T DO DRUGS, KIDS.
20. When was the last time you cried?
I cried today when my friend was telling me how in love her and her boyfriend are. Seriously. I cry all the time. And I’m jolly alright with that fact.
21. What is your perfect pizza topping?
I despise pizza. My perfect topping is an anti-topping: NO CHEESE. Go ahead and shake your heads at me, but melted cheese is terrifying.
22. Which do you prefer-hamburgers or cheeseburgers?
I’m vegetarian, and I don’t even really like veggie burgers. I swear I’m not a picky eater…
23. Have you ever had an all-nighter?
Of course. The most recent was a night I went out with my friends, lost them, and ended up stuck downtown because the busses home had stopped running. I found a 24 hour café and narrated 50 Shades of Grey to a bunch of Australian tourists until it was morning.
24. What is your eye colour?
The irises are brown, and then the pupils are black. The rest of them are white unless I haven’t slept. In that case they get veiny and red.
25. Can you taste the difference between Pepsi and Coke?
Probably not, but I don’t drink either because the bubbles in carbonated drinks hurt my throat.
On that note, I think you have concluded that I am exceptionally weird. Good. It was bound to happen at some point.
Things used to be so simple. We worked well together. I understood you, and related to you, and thought I knew exactly who you were and what you wanted from me. We grew up together. You gave me your approval; told me I was right, and awarded me with gold stars.
But you’ve changed. Or maybe, perhaps, I just never knew who you truly were. After time, you started imposing all these new rules in our relationship. I didn’t understand why they were necessary, but I went along with it because I cared for you and remembered the good days, and wanted to make you happy. You started hanging out with a strange crowd, and I’m not comfortable with these new friends you’ve made.
Calculus, Trigonometry, and Algebra; they aren’t the kind of people I would choose for myself, let’s just put it that way. They’ve changed you into something unrecognizable to me. And I see the way Physics and Chemistry use you, though you think they’re furthering your career and helping you out. It’s making you insecure. You keep asking me if you’re greater than this, or less than that.
These days, all you want me to do is solve your problems. And I just don’t know how to do that anymore. I don’t even understand what you’re asking me. You no longer trust me. You need me to prove myself over and over again. I know you’ve been getting mad that I’ve been discussing our relationship with my friends, but I need their help; I just can’t manage you on my own. I’ll even admit that sometimes they’re the ones who find the answers I give you.
What I’m trying to say is, I can’t do it anymore. You constantly test me and play mind games with me. You ask me questions you know there are no answers to. You yell incomprehensible things at me: “Find X! Find X!” I do not know who your X is, and I do not want to find her. Your appearance is worsening. You used to be clean and easy to look at, but now you’re a jumbled up mess, and I always have to rearrange you just to make you semi-recognizable to me. You’re scary and unbalanced and I worry that you’re getting infinitely closer to zero.
Math, it’s over. I tried my best. I went to tutorials to try and figure you out, but you never put any effort into figuring me out. I realize now that this relationship has always been one-sided, and I can no longer put in so much and get nothing back.
I’m sorry it has to be like this.
We’ll always have addition.
Yesterday I bragged about 10 unusual things I’m surprisingly good at. Today, is a different story.
10 Things I Suck At:
I don’t understand. I can wear pointe shoes and jump and turn and hop on them for HOURS but put me in a pair of heels and I go full newborn calf mode. I need to be either fully on top of my toes, or allowed to have my heels on the ground. None of this toes on a platform, heels on a twiggy little stick teeter-totter stuff. Where am I supposed to put my weight? Like hell do I trust that twiggy little stick to hold me up, heels, like HELL.
2. Unlocking things
I get anxiety every time someone gives me a key and tells me to go unlock something. Because 9 times out of 10 I have to try at least 3 times before I am successful. Putting the key in backwards, using the wrong key, turning the wrong way, not getting the key fully in the lock…EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG WILL GO WRONG.
“You have lipstick on your teeth.” Believe me, I know all the tricks. Believe me, it still get on my teeth.
I am a klutz. There. I said it. And when moving architecture is involved, I don’t do well. I need at least 5 seconds after every escalator ride to get my land legs back. They really throw me off.
5. Not laughing at inappropriate times
Everything gets funnier the more serious it is. This stems from laughing at my own faults and mistakes. For example, I think it’s hilarious when I trip wearing heels or fail at escalators or get pooped on by birds. I CAN’T HELP IT. Life is a comedic tragedy.
6. Understanding movie plots
This is mostly a problem with action or mystery movies, where everything is happening so fast, and everything is going so terribly downhill because of some problem that I really vaguely understand, and then…WAIT it can all be fixed by something something something and IT ALL BECOMES CLEAR to the protagonist that because of something there’s a loophole in the something and if he does something with the something at some time EVERYTHING WILL BE FIXED. I mean, as I mentioned yesterday, I’ll still enjoy the movie, but I’ll be left feeling pretty confused and brain dead.
7. Giving directions
I feel like I get an abnormal amount of people coming up to me and asking for directions. I cringe every time I realize it’s about to happen because in most cases, even if said stranger is looking for directions to MY OWN STREET I’ll be completely useless. These conversations usually end with: “I think if you go that way…I THINK…er..you might want to ask someone else.” Or: “I didn’t even know that existed.” Or: “Actually, I’m lost right now too. I was going to ask you for directions.”
8. Lying to strangers
When sketchy people sit down next to me on busses or strike up conversations on the street, I am AWFUL about lying about details that I should keep to myself. Oh, you want my name? Phone number? Address? Credit card number and credit score? Sure, sure. Not a problem. I gave someone a fake phone number ONCE and didn’t get caught and it was the proudest moment of my life.
9. Getting from point A to point B efficiently
Hiking up a mountain: Why go straight up when you could take a detour around a tree and trip over this rock here, and then climb up this ridge and back down it, and stray off the trail a little bit over to this grassy section, then pass through those poison ivy bushes…
Walking across parking lots: I’ll go around this van here, and then walk through this little gardeny section, before crossing the street right when this car is backing out , and then squeeze through a really tight space between two vehicles…repeat.
Getting to any specific section in Walmart: The sign says to go straight and then turn left, but maybe if I cut through these clothing racks, and then try and fit between these spinning jewlery displays, and then zig-zag up and down the cleaning product aisles…
10. Finding, pairing, and wearing matching socks
It’s gotten to the point where when I do laundry I will be satisfied to pair a light blue knee sock with a navy ankle sock because…well, they’re both in the blue family. Or say I only have this rainbow toe sock and Rudolph patterned fuzzy sock left over…well…HEY THEY COULD BE A PAIR; THEY’RE BOTH SOCKS!
Tomorrow I will feature 10 unusual things I am HORRIFIC at for no reason. But for today:
1. Waking up on time
Pick a time, any time. I will wake up at it. Even if it’s not my usual time. It appears that somehow I have cultivated the ability to be really, really smart when I’m not thinking. I can’t even guess the correct time within the hour when I’m awake…but if I set an alarm, I WILL wake-up exactly one minute before whenever it is set to go off.
2. Enjoying movies
This is another way of saying, I am easily amused and I do not have high standards for what I find entertaining. However, apparently in normal people land, if someone dislikes a movie it is appropriate to change it or stop watching should boredom set in. WHAT? No, once the opening credits are through, I am glued to the screen. I don’t care if it’s a documentary on grasshopper mating rituals, I’m hooked. The same goes for books. Great Expectations? No, it wasn’t exactly thrilling…but I read it.
3. Writing in yearbooks
Back in the high school days I was a CHAMPION yearbook writer. There were no generic “HAGS” messages penned by this hand, oh no. I was a pro at being able to isolate any brief interaction or connection I may have had to someone else and milk it like we grew up across the street from each other. I was the queen of creating inside jokes out of thin air, and miraculously recalling random facts about people as soon as their page was placed in front of me. And what did I get for it? Well, a lot of “HAGS.”
4. Chewing gum
We all know gum sucks after about 10 minutes. No matter how many pieces you stuff into your chompers, it gets gross and stale after a certain period of time. And there is not always a gum disposal option available. And in these dire circumstances, I can keep a piece of gum in my mouth for HOURS. Possibly even DAYS. (Exaggeration.)I don’t necessarily mean by chewing; usually I can just rest it against the back of my teeth and forget about it until a garbage can or napkin presents itself. But the thing is…I can TOLERATE it far past it’s due. Aren’t you impressed?
The Kat method of studying consists of not studying until the night before the test, (in emergencies: the hour before the test), then CRAMMING EVERYTHING into my brain via weird memorization devices, thereby acing the test. I need to remember words the start with the letters H, J, E, B, F, A and A, for example? No problem. Harold Just Eats Bacon, Fries, And Ants. AND I WILL REMEMBER THAT. Until about 2 minutes after the test is done.
Give me half a verse and I can fudge my way through the rest. Give me the chorus and it’s ingrained into my mind for all eternity. And if I don’t know what I’m doing, a little bit of lip synching mixed with some convincing, but non-specific drawn out vowel sounds, and sprinkled with whatever word most logically rhymes with that of the line before it can get me through any tune.
7. Making things on time
What I mean by this is, if there is a bus or a plane or a train or a show or someplace I have to be at a specific time, SOMEHOW I can usually make it just in the nick of time. It might not sound impressive, but it’s rather fascinating given that I usually have no time to spare, for as soon as I catch that bus or whatever it may be, it’s off. Or the second I arrive at a show, the opening number starts. It’s mostly just remarkable because I always am aware that if I had just left a minute later, or took slightly slower steps, I wouldn’t have made it at all.
8. Threading needles
Can I sew? Not at all. But I’ve never met a needle I couldn’t thread. (I would like to petition for this to become an extreme sport. EXTREME NEEDLE THREADING-points will be awarded on a needle hole to thread diameter ratio, along with how many attempts it takes, the time it takes, and how cleanly the thread goes through.)
9. Sticky noting
I am a big fan of the sticky notes. I am not entirely sure this means that I’m good at using them, but boy do I ever use them. You can put sticky notes ANYWHERE, and communicate ANYTHING you can fit on that little yellow square. “Lisa called”, “buy milk”, “wrap this gift in blue paper”, “no, this is a very disagreeable colour and why did you even pick up a paint strip of dark yellows? Fool.” “Off to run drugs across the border and initiate a bank heist, and then possibly participate in nuclear bomb testing later in the afternoon. Expect me home for dinner!”
10. Grammatically correct drunk texting
Most people’s texts whilst intoxicated are something like: “KAATtrrrr naawpoopyskempin do?”
I, on the other hand, am the Charles Dickens of drunk texts. So maybe the content is still full-force drunken, but by knowing I am more prone to slip-ups in such a state, I go out of my way to get all fancy with the semi-colons and poetic with my word choice.
Eg: “I would like to inform you of the war this bottle of vodka has started against my liver. Completely uncalled for and vicious of an attack it is. In such wee hours of the dawn, this weary battle wages on. Should I remain alive, I will be calling in sick tomorrow. I shall tell the boss it is food poisoning.”
Then of course I realize I am, in fact, texting my boss.
You win some, you lose some, I guess.